7) Ness from Earthbound

When one thinks of a hero or protagonist, the image of a strong man or woman wearing a cool outfit made out of materials that provide protection against enemies during the long and arduous journey ahead; not in Ness’ case. When this guy sets out to save the world from an alien race, all he needs is a hat, striped shirt, backpack, and his trusty baseball bat. When it came out in the 1990s Earthbound on the SNES took the conventional hero image and turned it on its heels.

6) Super Mario

In some show about gaming I saw a while back, the developers at Nintendo decided to break the mold of the stereotypical hero. A small amount of memory limited how many pixels they could use to create Mario, so they put most of it in his nose and gut. An ugly plumber wearing red overalls and a cap was born, spawning a revolution in gaming. His outfit didn’t bother me until Super Mario RPG came out, which was a terrific game, but the selection of armor Mario could wear was limited to it having the word pants in it (work pants, heavy pants).

5) Zidane from Final Fantasy IX

I remember reading a video game magazine a few months before FF9 came out and being perplexed as to why the characters had large heads and long, monkey-like arms. I then soon realized that the people at Squaresoft were insane, but also probably trying to design very uniqe characters not seen in other games: they succeeded. Zidane looks like a cross between Meg Ryan, Prince, and Goku and his outfit looks to be some sort of British aristocracy/sailor suit. While I really enjoyed the game, I never got over why he looked so strange.

4) Max from Dark Cloud 2

Max is an inventor of sorts, and in the game can create monsters by using materials and taking pictures of bosses. It bothered me that his weapon of choice was a wrench, which seems like a weapon someone would pick up randomly if they thought their house was being broken into. Add an engineer cap and overalls and the picture is complete, Max belongs on a railroad and not in an RPG.

3) Tidus from Final Fantasy X

Overall, I didn’t like Tidus very much in general and FF10 didn’t feel like a genuine part of the Final Fantasy series, maybe because FF7 was too hard to top. One thing that really bothered me about Tidus is that he wears shorts, with one being longer than the other. Tidus seemed to start the trend of exposing as much chest and stomach as possible with half-shirts that would make him look like a fashion model from Zoolander, and does anyone else think he looks just like Marlene from Advent Children?

2) Albel Nox from Star Ocean: Till the End of Time

Albel is the first character I encountered in a game where I was unsure whether or not he was a man or a woman. With a man’s voice and man’s name, but the body shape and body language of a woman, it took a while for me to be sure it was a guy, and even then I was doubtful. Japanese games aren’t known for making masculine characters and their male characters often have soft, feminine features, but even then I can normally tell. A cut-off shirt, pany-hose looking leggings, and a skirt make Albel just a bit sexually ambiguous.

1) Vaan from Final Fantasy XII

I felt misled in the beginning of FF12 because you play as Vaan’s brother, who is a knight clad in a true set of armor, fitting for any hero. Unfortunately, he dies and you take control as his seemingly gay, street-rat brother, Vaan. Vaan looks pretty much like Tidus, except he is just wearing pants, a tiny vest and looks a lot more like a girl. It just doesn’t make sense to me why the people at Squaresoft are taking articles of clothing away after every game. I could really go on and on about how disturbed I am just looking at Vaan, so let me put it this way: there are men, there are women, and then there is Vaan.